i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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