I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
