Just cropdusted the office
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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