Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
