I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
