If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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