So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
