Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
