I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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