It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
