WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
