OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
