When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
