you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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