So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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