well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize