i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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