Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize