...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
