lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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