Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
