i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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