did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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