Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
