Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
