can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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