i just wanna soil my oats bro
my phone needs a breathalizer
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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