Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Terrible idea I love it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
