I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
