You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
