She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
