well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize