I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize