Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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