Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize