my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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