I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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