i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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