I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
