he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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