You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
