Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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