i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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