I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
