YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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