Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
