summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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