bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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