It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sober January is a disaster.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
