Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
