I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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