Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
