Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize