got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
