apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
