my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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