wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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