so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
well, you know. whores of a feather.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
