i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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