I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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