bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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