are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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