I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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