someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
