if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
