My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
