Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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